What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 17:20
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What song are you listening to right now? What does it mean to you?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Who then, do I blame.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Would this be the day?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
I think the readers, may guess!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She married twice! .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.